So. It's October. I am lying here thinking about getting up and putting on my favorite hoodie (the one I got in NZ) and starting chili for dinner and maybe having oatmeal for breakfast. Then I could grab a scarf and maybe another layer and walk to the coffee shop where I can sit outside and take off the chill with a nice hot cup of coffee. Except that I live in Phoenix.
Which is to say that the air conditioning is still running pretty much constantly and it is going to be at least a 100 today so no hoodie and it is still too hot to sit outside so it will be another iced coffee inside for me. Especially if I walk there because I will be all sweaty and gross. Oatmeal might be okay for breakfast and Chili still sounds good for dinner but I have no food in the house so I would have to go to the grocery store first. sigh
I wish it was fall. Also, I wish I had remembered to go to the grocery store last night or even last week while we are at it.
Wednesday, October 1, 2008
Tuesday, June 24, 2008
If you love it, set it free
So, I read about a 21 day cleansing diet and I have been seriously considering it. I know I need to change my eating habits and however good my intentions, so far I have been unable to maintain any sort of change for more than a few days. At which point, a giant cheese pizza and a pint of Ben and Jerry's usually show up on my doorstop begging for shelter and no many how many times I try to explain to them that there just isn't room for them in my life any more, at least not at their present portion size, their sad faces are just more than I can take and eventually I invite them in like long lost friends.
So 21 days of no cheese, no caffeine, no meat, no animal products, and no gluten sounded both challenging (really, really challenging) and also like the perfect way to break my addiction to cheese and caffeine and meat and animal products and bread. Maybe. Anyway, I am looking into it which involves looking up recipes online and going through my current recipes and trying to verify that I could, in fact, exist on a menu devoid of cheese. Last night I made Black Bean burgers which was sort of step in the right direction except that it called for flour and bread crumbs both of which had gluten. Actually, the bread crumbs, in what can only be described as an act of pure protest for the plan, contained gluten, dairy, and eggs. But there wasn't any caffeine in there! And also no meat. So, baby steps.
I have found recipes that fit the plan that seem both edible and easy to make. In fact, last night I found so many options that I was convinced I could start today instead of July 1 as I had tentatively planned. However, this morning, as I research more options and as I type this post, I am having an iced coffee with cream and a cheese bagel with cream cheese.
Maybe I need another week.
So 21 days of no cheese, no caffeine, no meat, no animal products, and no gluten sounded both challenging (really, really challenging) and also like the perfect way to break my addiction to cheese and caffeine and meat and animal products and bread. Maybe. Anyway, I am looking into it which involves looking up recipes online and going through my current recipes and trying to verify that I could, in fact, exist on a menu devoid of cheese. Last night I made Black Bean burgers which was sort of step in the right direction except that it called for flour and bread crumbs both of which had gluten. Actually, the bread crumbs, in what can only be described as an act of pure protest for the plan, contained gluten, dairy, and eggs. But there wasn't any caffeine in there! And also no meat. So, baby steps.
I have found recipes that fit the plan that seem both edible and easy to make. In fact, last night I found so many options that I was convinced I could start today instead of July 1 as I had tentatively planned. However, this morning, as I research more options and as I type this post, I am having an iced coffee with cream and a cheese bagel with cream cheese.
Maybe I need another week.
Friday, May 23, 2008
love em and leave em fast
I failed today internet. I failed. I failed at my job. At being a person. At taking care of my house. I failed my diet. I have failed to blog on a regular basis. I failed in so many big and small ways. This isn't new for me. I have failed before. I know I will fail again. I also know somehow that this failure is just a piece of me. That it doesn't define the whole of me. It is just a piece of who I am.
I know all that. Its just that sometimes the failure is so palpable that I can't see through this dense fog of failure to the knowledge of who I am. Sometimes I just want to get on my hands and knees and try and crawl through the fog to a place where I can hide. Run away. I want to run away from my failure. If I were 6, I might hide myself in my closet with all my favorite things. If I were 16, I might pack a bag and head for a friend's house or more likely, just a place I could be by myself. If I were still 25, I might just get in my car and drive until I ran out of gas.
But I am 36. I can't run away. I have too much responsibility. And furthermore, I am old enough to know that running away won't help anything. No, the only way to get through the fog is to put my head down and lean my shoulder into it and just get through it.
I failed today. But I will do better tomorrow. And I will fail again. The failure doesn't define the whole of who I am. It is just a piece of me.
I know all that. Its just that sometimes the failure is so palpable that I can't see through this dense fog of failure to the knowledge of who I am. Sometimes I just want to get on my hands and knees and try and crawl through the fog to a place where I can hide. Run away. I want to run away from my failure. If I were 6, I might hide myself in my closet with all my favorite things. If I were 16, I might pack a bag and head for a friend's house or more likely, just a place I could be by myself. If I were still 25, I might just get in my car and drive until I ran out of gas.
But I am 36. I can't run away. I have too much responsibility. And furthermore, I am old enough to know that running away won't help anything. No, the only way to get through the fog is to put my head down and lean my shoulder into it and just get through it.
I failed today. But I will do better tomorrow. And I will fail again. The failure doesn't define the whole of who I am. It is just a piece of me.
Thursday, May 8, 2008
by way of introduction
"Sometimes the words are so close I am more who I am when I am down on paper than anywhere else"...
When I first read those words written by Julia Alavarez, it felt like someone had finally verbalized that thing I had been trying to say for 30 years. Have you ever had a conversation with someone and just not been able to think of the name of a person or a book or a movie and then it sort of follows you around for the rest of the day as a sort of aching gnaw at the back of your grey matter? You aren't even aware you are still puzzling over it, pondering it but your mind is still chewing on it until three days latter in the middle of a completely unrelated conversation you suddenly shout out 'Ally Sheedy' or 'For Whom the Bell Tolls' or whatever it was. That sense of release and accomplishment and satisfaction and discovery - that is what I felt when I first read those words.
And I feel it still to some degree. I still believe it is true. I am better defined, better presented, better in general when I put my thoughts on paper. But with the sageness of a few advanced years, I see that the root of the question now is not who I am on paper. The real question is "who am I?"
When I first read those words written by Julia Alavarez, it felt like someone had finally verbalized that thing I had been trying to say for 30 years. Have you ever had a conversation with someone and just not been able to think of the name of a person or a book or a movie and then it sort of follows you around for the rest of the day as a sort of aching gnaw at the back of your grey matter? You aren't even aware you are still puzzling over it, pondering it but your mind is still chewing on it until three days latter in the middle of a completely unrelated conversation you suddenly shout out 'Ally Sheedy' or 'For Whom the Bell Tolls' or whatever it was. That sense of release and accomplishment and satisfaction and discovery - that is what I felt when I first read those words.
And I feel it still to some degree. I still believe it is true. I am better defined, better presented, better in general when I put my thoughts on paper. But with the sageness of a few advanced years, I see that the root of the question now is not who I am on paper. The real question is "who am I?"
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