the morgan influence

Posted: 07-06-2005 @ 09:09 pm (Central Time)

I just found out my friend Morgan has a very advanced bone cancer. He was admitted to the hospital last week for chemotherapy but his kidneys have failed as a result of the cancer and he is not well enough yet for them to begin the treatment.

I was just thinking about Morgan yesterday. I knew him for a season - a friendship defined by the place in life I found myself. I dated his brother. And though Morgan and I had our own conversations and our own adventures, when his brother and I had nothing more to say to each other, our conversation ended as well. We tried to keep it going. We met up for coffee here or a burger there. But the reality of it was that I was too hurt, my heart too severely crushed. I just couldn't see Morgan with out the pain surfacing and I wasn't strong enough to carry it yet.

In many ways, my memories of Morgan are richer than those I shared with his brother. He introduced me to Pete's fish and chips after I read Angela's Ashes and couldn't get the craving out of my system. He was the first person to introduce me to social networks and virtual communities. And he is the mastermind behind one of my all time favorite days. One leap day (Feb 29, 2004?) I decided to celebrate by doing something out of the ordinary. Morgan came up with the solution. He was hitchhiking over to Slab City just outside of Salton Sea in California the day before Leap Day. He proposed I drive out on leap day and hang out for the day and then he could 'hitch' a ride back with me. It was a fantastic trip. Slab City has been featured in a couple of movies now. In fact, when I was there a crew had just recently finished filming there and they were pretty nonplussed about it except for the fact that now they had stage lights (white plastic buckets cut to hang over strands of lights. Morgan introduced me to Builder Bill, the stage architect and to the guy who ran the slab city informal library out of a shed off his camper. We explored the outlying areas and bought cheap wine and salami at the corner gas and grocery and sat in old airplane seats on a concrete slab in front of the stage watching the local talent. The concert lasted all day and the were so welcoming to outside performers. I got to sing a song or two with the band and then one all on my own. As night fell, we relished the sunset and the fading music and kept warm by fires in a barrel. On our way out of town, we took a swim in a natural hot spring. It was a magical day, an absolutely fitting way to spend a day that occurs only every four years.

Morgan made me realize my love for the open road. Though I could never embrace his preferred travel method of hitch hiking or the fact that he preferred to travel solo, I knew what it felt to miss the road. I posted this on his website almost exactly four years ago:

i miss the road. The hum of the tires against ridged pavement. the rush of wind from passing cars. The sun in your eyes or on your forearm as it is propped up in the window. lazy conversation driven by surroundings and circumstance and small spaces. I miss the simple pleasure of finding a clean bathroom and a friendly convenience store clerk just when you need it. the best meal of your life in some hole in the wall you know you will never find again. the comfort and company of strangers, allowing you to observe and belong somehow all at the same time. the people who remind you what could have been (good and bad) and what could be and who you are. the people who give deep insights as casual conversation, you are not what you do for a living, because it is as everyday to them as my morning cup of coffee.
i feel a part of me gasping for breath and i know i need open air, open road. I need the road again.

At the time, I was drowning in my own life - working a job that sucked the air out of my lungs and frantically flailing around trying to find my foundation again. In a lot of ways, God used Morgan to keep me alive through that. I wish I could do the same for Morgan.

Summer Reading List

This was going to be a summer reading list until I started actually listing out all these books sitting on my nightstand and realized I might need a little more time. So maybe let's call this a summer into fall (and possibly winter) reading list. That way I can add to it without stressing myself out like a grad student with a thesis deadline looming.

Here they are in no particular order:

Simply Christian NT Wright
Who gets to Narrate the world? Robert E. Webber
Brave New World Aldous Huxley (reread of an old favorite)
A Map of the World Jane Hamilton
Branding Faith Phil Cooke
Twelve Golden Threads Aliske Webbe (recommended by my Grandma)
Kite Runner Khaled Hosseini
The Challenge of Jesus NT Wright
Ancient-Future Worship Robert E. Webber
Dubliners James Joyce
The Son Rises William Lane Craig
Following Jesus NT Wright
The New Testament and the People of God NT Wright (are you noticing a theme - I went on a bit of buying spree for NT Wright books a while ago. Amazon=dangerous)
A Heartbreaking Work of Staggering Genius Dave Eggers
Nine Stories JD Salinger (another reread of a favorite)
Blue Shoe Anne LaMott
The Power of Prayer in a Believer's Life Charles Sturgeon
1984 George Orwell (another reread - I realize this list would be shorter without the rereads but I haven't read some of these in a while and I miss them)
The Search for Significance Robert S. McGee
Saving Fish from Drowning Amy Tan
Memoirs of a Geisha Arthur Golden
Brave Men Ernie Pyle
The Tender Bar JR Moehringer
The Happiness Hypothesis Jonathan Haidt
Angels and Demons Dan Brown (another reread - want to read again BEFORE I see the movie)

Also tempted by
Crazy Love Francis Chan
Don Quixote Miguel De Cervantes (haven't read this since college, maybe I'm ready)
The Five Love Languages Gary Chapman (worth all the hype I wonder?)

As you can see, this is quite a list for someone who also has a job. Oh, and that whole training for a triathlon thing. Except that what is summer without a good dose of days just laying around reading.

Anyone (and by that I mean you Katie and Holly, my only readers) want to do a book club thing or maybe even just read a review if I write one? Yah, book reports! Please tell me someone else loved these as much as I did.

watercolor words of you

I have been thinking a lot about old friends this week. It started when I found a facebook page for my dear friend Erik Miller.

I have been trying to remember how Erik and I met. I can't remember if we worked together or if we met through mutual friends. In a way, it seems fitting that I can't find a clear beginning to our friendship. It isn't really important I guess. The most important thing is our friendship. Erik was easy to like - practically everybody who met him did. His generous heart and willingness to laugh a full gut wrenching laugh always pulled people in. And then there was his music. Always singing and playing guitar. Erik and I were great friends in a way that I find nearly impossible to describe here. We cared so much for one another that we talked several times about dating but just couldn't ever work out the timing - one or the other of us always dating someone else when the other was finally single. But looking back, I don't think we were really meant for that.

We had some amazing times together. He is directly responsible for a number of instances where I had to drag myself away from the fun just in time to go home and change and head to work. We had late nights at friends houses singing every single song we ever knew and lazing in the hammock. He introduced me to Tom Waits. He encouraged my writing. He encouraged me.

I had lunch with Erik just a day or two before I left Indiana for Phoenix. He had to fight a little with his girlfriend about it (she didn't like me - too jealous of our friendship to relax in his obvious affection for her) but he came because as he said, we had been friends for too long and were too close not to say good bye. And it turns out, it was good bye. I lost track of Erik. The only email and phone numbers I had for him stopped working and I was too busy making a life for myself in my new city to ask mutual friends to reconnect us. Until one day, months ago, one of them did. My friend Jamie called me to tell me that Erik had been killed in a car accident on Christmas Eve.

It seems odd to miss him this much. We hadn't talked in years. Even before I left Lafayette, we were spending less and less time together - pulled in by more and more adult responsibilities. And yet, I miss him. Reading this facebook page, put up as a memorial to him, I am reminded of who he was and I am overwhelmed by how much I miss him. I was trying to pin point a memory. Tried finding a photo of him or of the two of us together. And while I have hazy memories that feel very real, beautiful mental pictures of our friendship, I am unable to clearly pin point a favorite memory. And there are no photos. It makes me sad to think that there is no physical evidence of this great friendship I shared with this special person.

I hate having my picture taken. I avoid it as often as I can. And yet because of that, I have few pictures of me with any of the people I cherish most in my life. As much as I hate seeing myself in photos, I would rather that then this empty handed memory.

Las Vegas airport is on my list!

Originally posted 4.10.08

Okay, first let me start by saying that I am currently - as in right this moment - in Vegas. Now let me add that I am not amused! I have flown in and out of this airport before but tonight is different than all the times before. Tonight, Vegas is just a connection point for me. I am on my way to Louisville (via Vegas and Cincinnati) to celebrate my grandfather's recent 90th birthday with the fandamily. I have never connected through Vegas before, it has always been the destination. And as a destination, this airport rocks! Slot machines in the terminals get the party started the moment you get off the plane and should you make it back to the airport with any money still in your pocket, this airport will certainly take care of that! As Holly and I once said on the now infamous Vegas/Phoenix trip - 'I just want to play til I run out of nickels'.

As a connection though, this airport is a nuisance. It doesn't help that my first flight was on a different airline than the last two legs. I landed in what appears to be US Air World and not only did I have to leave that terminal and GO BACK THROUGH SECURITY to get to my next flight, I couldn't even find any information about which terminal I needed to go to. Apparently, if it isn't a US Air flight, it just doesn't matter. Now, going back through security was not a major deal. I have a two hour layover and I am a security efficiency expert (hint: you will never see me wear jewelry or anything with zippers or clasps on an airplane). But inefficient design always annoys me. It might also be more annoying given the fact that I am already tired and the night is just beginning. I have a love/hate relationship with red eyes - love the fact that it saves me wasting a day on travel and that the crowds are minimal, hate the up all night and recovery.

My annoyance is heightened by the fact that I just paid $7.64 for a double cheeseburger meal at BK. $7.64!!! Isn't that like a 100% mark up for airport captive audiences?

So back to the point (there is a reason to this rant). I keep a mental list of airports that I will NOT travel through if possible. O'Hare is at the top of that list and has no contenders challenging it and probably never will. Don't even get me started on why I hate it so much - you do not want to hear about it. Let's just leave it at the fact that I have never once flown out of there on time and I once had a flight canceled there due to weather when it was 72 and balmy both there AND at the destination (which was less than an hour flight away so you can't convince me there was any weather in between). Really, that is all I can say without reaching the point of no return because even that brought me to the brink of rage. Don't move to Chicago if you want me to visit you often.

Las Vegas is now on the list. I won't avoid it like I do O'Hare but if I have an option, I won't connect through Vegas. It is still fine as a destination though. For now.

Just to end on a positive note, there are some airports I like. I love connecting through Atlanta, Charlotte (although they did lose my bags once) and Pittsburgh as they are all people friendly and very well designed. Atlanta is also home to some dear friends so I try to fit in a nice long lay over and a reunion breakfast when I can. Charlotte has a great ambiance and if I have to kill a few hours just sitting around in an airport, Charlotte would be my pick. Unless I am in the mood to shop. Then it is Pittsburgh all the way because they have a mall inside the terminals and the prices are fixed so that they can't charge more than they do at the same store outside the airport. Love it!

I used to enjoy flying. I have logged a lot of miles. But these days, the enjoyment is quickly becoming engulfed in the hassle and the headaches. It is almost like going to the dentist anymore. And you know how I feel about the dentist!

mind set

Originally posted 12.19.07

So I asked someone today if they were ready for Christmas and I got 'I'm just ready for it to be over!'. I have been getting that response a lot lately and I find it so sad and puzzling. At what point did people trade the excitement of the season for yet another excuse to be stressed out and anxious? I will admit that I am a big Christmas fan but even if you choose not to love the season, PLEASE don't make it a chore. That just makes me sad. I honestly would rather never get another gift for Christmas than to know that the thought of seeking out gifts is making someone wish the whole thing was just over. It isn't a root canal! I know it has become the consumer holiday to end all holidays but the core of it is still there. The birth of a Saviour, the celebration of love and redemption - a season that breeds kindness and reminds us to shower those we care most about with affection and visible signs of our love. Not to sound like a cheesy holiday album but that really is what Christmas means to me.

To thwart the spirit of seasonal overspending and to gear up for the sub compact project (now just weeks away from it's inception), I have been on a spending fast this week. I was on a spending fast last week too but I ran out of cat food the first day and wasn't prepared to chance it and then was caught unprepared and starving on Thursday. Aside from the cat food purchase and the coffee shop splurge though, I made it through the week without spending. This week has been going much better as I have made it through today (Wed) without spending a cent. That is three whole days. Not an astounding feat really but certainly not my modus operandi.

It has actually been kind of fun getting into the mind set of this project. Sunday, I actually saved more than I spent at the grocery store. I saved $74.57 (with my frequent shopper card and a $3 off coupon) and only spent $65.93. I was so proud of myself! It was an especially nice recovery from Saturday when, within hours of posting my last blog, I nearly spent $62 on a child sized overstuffed upholstered chair. So much for passing up the next deal of a life time and not trying to buy love with things. Thank goodness my friend Holly convinced me that although she appreciated the thought, it really wasn't practical to buy a chair for a child that they do not yet have and that will obviously not be sitting upright for some time. Plus, we would have had a real space issue in the car. Not to mention the fact that that was roughly equivalent to my grocery bill.

I have a problem. Hi. I'm Cat. I am a spendaholic.

Humility v. Vanity: Balancing the Ego See Saw

Originally posted 11.4.07

I am not particularly good at balance - emotionally speaking.

When I was a little girl, I decided to give one of my dolls a haircut. My first attempt left her with about an inch more hair on the left side than on the right so I decided to trim her up. Then there was an extra inch on the right. One more time around left her too long on the left again. I kept trying to trim her hair until she looked like Annie Lennox and I couldn't cut any more without shaving her head. Not a great look for a doll.

Turns out, that was a pretty classic model for how I would work through things. I overcompensate in an effort to acheive balance and end up creating a bigger imbalance in the process.

Lately, I have been struggling with the idea of humility versus vanity. Or perhaps the better term is arrogance. I don't think you can label me a vain person. I am realistic about my looks (average but no stunning beauty) and I have the fashion sense of a fourth grader. I can honestly say that some mornings I have left the house without looking in a mirror - vanity isn't a big thing with me. But I can be arrogant. I don't mean to be and I certainly don't want to be. But I have lived alone for a long time now and so I spend a large portion of my time alone and this leads me to be pretty self involved. And sometimes, when my guard is down, that self involvement leads to arrogance.

Now on the flip side of that, I have a great deal of humility. (I realize the irony of that statement but I think you can say you have it and still have it.) I am keenly aware of my limited skills and usefulness in the grand scheme of things. I am also eternally humbled by how small I am in this great big old world and universe.

So my struggle is this, how do I find a balance between acknowledging that I am nobody special, one person just like every other person, and the need to feel significant, proud of my contributions and achievements?

In a nutshell, how do I say 'here I am' without saying 'look at me'?

The answer is just on the tip of my tongue I think, but I can't seem to formulate it. Like when someone asks you to do math in your head. You know you know the answer (or that you can figure it out) but you can't get out from under the pressure of the question to let your brain think it through.

Am I alone in this? Does everyone else already have a healthy sense of who they are in the world with an appropriately balanced sense of importance? Do these late night ramblings even make any sense?

all the narrow canyons

Originally posted 9.17.07

I hiked the Narrows in Zion Canyon this weekend. It was about a 10 mile hike - 60% of which involved hiking directly through the water. From time to time, you had to cross from one side of the river to the other because the path before you was blocked. I had a walking stick and special shoes to make the job easier. It was a good hike. If only I was as good at hiking my own personal narrows.

Have you ever tried crossing a river on foot? You try to take a step but the current is strong and even though you put your foot in front of you and keep aiming for the spot right in front of you, the rush of the water keeps knocking you off target. So there you are midstep, unable to plant your foot anywhere. You can't step back because the same thing is true and it wouldn't matter anyway because going back just puts you back on a path you know is blocked.

The idea is to keep moving. Fight the current. Keep at least one foot firmly planted at all times and take smaller, well thought out steps. Use the tools you have to help you. The shoes keep you steady and your feet protected. They can keep you more firmly planted and supported when the ground beneath you is slick and rocky. The walking stick is used to keep your balance and to plan your route, test the ground in front of you. Is it too deep, too fast? Letting the stick go before you keeps you from stepping into a dangerous situation. You can't always move quickly but moving slowly allows you an opportunity to revel in the beauty around you.

I know that I have been given similar tools to help me press on through the narrows of my life. I also know that if I were to really rely on those tools, to trust them, that I could focus less on fear and doubt and revel more in the beauty of the canyon I find myself lost within. Now if I could just get past the knowing and get to the doing.

when I grow up

Originally posted 8.20.07

What do I want to be when I grow up? I have been asking myself that a lot lately. Internally, of course. Can you imagine if I was walking around town repeating out loud to myself "What do I want to be when I grow up?"? I think that might actually take the question off the table in the form of a straight jacket.

The problem with the question is, I think, that I don't really want to grow up. I do not want to be grown up. And not in the really charming, i-want-to-be-a-kid-forever-and-Peter-Pan-is-my-hero sort of way. I mean, I don't want to worry about a mortgage payment and health insurance and checking accounts and laundry and grocery shopping and oil changes and all the other really boring and repetitive responsibilities that come with being a grown up.

I am not making light of the fact that I have checking accounts and laundry and health insurance and a mortgage and a car to get the oil changed in. I really am very grateful for all the blessings I have in my life. I don't want to come across as ungrateful.

Its just that currently I feel so bogged down in all of this grown up stuff. I feel tied down by a paycheck and I hate it. What would I do with my time if I didn't have to work? Read, sew, sleep in, paint the bedroom, watch movies, run, hike, travel, learn to snowboard, sea kayak. I would learn Portugese by spending months in Lisbon, live on a mountain top and write fantastic stories that make people cry and laugh out loud. I would travel North America in a tricked out Suburban with back seats that fold down into a queen size bed and a skylight so I can lay there and look at the stars or watch it rain.

I know everybody says that you should find something you are passionate about and make that your lifes work. But the thing is that what I really want to do changes as often as Cyndi Lauper changes her hairstyle and I really don't think I am going to make much of a living reading random news article on the internet and sewing 10 different outfits only half way. And who is going to pay me to travel the states in my suburban? Even if it does have a built in kitchen with a working sink and an outdoor shower with hot water. Seriously, I have the plans if you want to see it sometime. They are quite detailed. I even bought the appropriate suitcase to travel with.

How in the world can I make a living just being delightfully odd?

Home again

Originally posted 7.15.07

Wow, it feels good to be home! Don't get me wrong - I had a fabulous time! But there is something so wonderful about coming home to your things and your bed and your city. I guess that is why they call it home.

Anyway, it took a long time to get here. We got to the Wellington airport at 9:30 am NZ time Sunday morning. It is now 3:00 pm Monday in NZ and I just got home two hours ago. So that is something like 27 hours of traveling. And most of that time was spent just waiting around in airports. We waited for 3 hours in Wellington and then 4 hours in Auckland and then we missed a connecting flight in Los Angeles and ended up spending another 5 hours there. So 12 hours of waiting in airports for just under 15 hours of flying time. That is a lot of terminal time people and believe me - it felt terminal.

We did have some fun things happen today. While we were mulling around in the Auckland airport (killing some of that aforementioned four hours), a page came over the intercom system 'Will the party that lost their digeradoo please return to Emeritas Chicken?'. That is not something you hear every day. And then, all though we failed to see them, the NZ rugby team came through the airport on return from a match and did their haka (think war chant) in the terminal. I heard some of it but couldn't get over to the area fast enough to see it happen. I snapped some blurry pictures of the team (or at least people in team jackets) but it was murky at best. On a side note, I did get a good clear picture of the 'no spitting' signs I mentioned in an earlier blog.

Finally, as we were waiting to board the flight to LA, Susan noticed that the band members for Crowded House were boarding our flight as well. Of course, they flew business class so we caught only a glimpse of them as their were whisked through the line and up to the upper deck of the plane which I imagine to be a very luxurious place. Still, we were all breathing the same recycled air and that is something.

Anyway, after many hours of waiting and hauling ridiculously heavy luggage around, we made a standby flight home to Phoenix and here I am typing to all of you from my very own laptop. No time clock ticking away, no other hostel patron standing in line to use the computer. Just me and the cats. It is good to be home.

I will probably do a wrap up and pictures will be up soon. For now though, I am exhausted. I am going to take a shower, have a diet coke, and then curl up in my own bed with all 8 of my wonderful pillows and my two cats and have a really good nights sleep.

Cheers!

Last Night in NZ

Originally posted 7.13.07

So, let me start off by telling you that I didn't get a tatoo today. I am really bummed about it but in the end, it couldn't be helped. I went out today with every intention of getting one. Most of the tatoo parlors here look really 'dodgy' to use a local term and are not places that I would be comfortable getting work done (not being assured of a gentle touch and a hygenic needle). However, I had discovered there was a National Tatoo Musuem with a tatoo studio in it which, to me, meant it should be safe and nice. I mean, it is a musuem. Not so much though. The museum turned out to be a grafitti covered building in a not so nice part of town and Susan and I didn't even make it to the door before turning around. I will just have to settle for getting one when I get home.

Today was pretty low key. Just a lot of walking around, looking at little shops and such. We did visit the Wellington City and Sea Museum which was very well done and quite enjoyable. In retrospect, I wish we had spent more time there.

We have repacked our bags to include all the little goodies and such we have accumulated along the way. Kind of a tight fit but I think they will hold together long enough to get us home. Tonight, the New Zealand Rugby team (the All Blacks) is playing South Africa so we are off to a local pub to watch the game and have some dinner. I don't know if you have ever watched rugby but it is very lively and I find it very entertaining. It is something of a national mania over here and the entire country roots hard for the home team. Should be a great way to spend our last night here.

Tomorrow morning we are off to the airport early. It will probably still be late evening Saturday for most of you. We fly out of Wellington at 12 something in the afternoon on Sunday and land in Phoenix at 2:15 or so Sunday afternoon. Only, it isn't even close to a 2 hour flight. I am determined to stay up until a reasonable bed time on Sunday though so if I see you, do what you can to keep me awake. I am sure I will need the help.

Some parting observations about NZ:

*all of the toilets here are the low flush and most offer you the option of a half flush or a full flush with the half of course using less water. I will miss that.

*speaking of toilets - public toilets are everywhere here which is really quite nice and not at all like Tempe where you can't use a gas station bathroom after 10 pm or so even if you buy something. They even have roadside port a potty things called Kiwi Loos. In general, it is just a nice country to go to the bathroom in.

*in most cities, when you get the go ahead to cross a street at an intersection, the little sign/indicator thingy makes this wierd noise and then beeps to let you know you are still okay to cross, speeding up as you run out of time. It is a little disarming at first but you start to miss it if it doesn't have it. In Auckland, the little green man indicating you walk, actually walks himself (primitive animation) and a few of the intersections allow you to cross in all directions at once, even diagonally.

*I haven't found one place yet where they have central heating and our hostel room actually barely has heat at all. Plus, people are walking around in shorts, short sleeves and even flip flops. Not all people though, just a few nuts.

*McDonald's, Burger King, and Subway all seem to be big hits over here. I ordered two cheeseburgers at McDonald's today for a snack and got one without a burger on it - it was just cheese, onions, ketchup, pickle and a bun. You just can't get good help these days.

That is enough for now. Have a great Saturday! See you soon.

Black Friday

Originally posted 7.13.07

Happy Friday the 13th to you all! I am just wrapping mine up (only about an hour left before Saturday begins) but most of you should be starting yours - hope it is a good one!

Today we left Wanganui and drove to Palmerston North to see the wind farms. On a side note, we stopped at a little gas station in Wanganui (isn't it just fun to say) and all the pumps were full service. Full service! I can't remember the last time I had an attendant fill my gas tank. It was fun to say 'Fill er up'. At Palmerston North, we took a quick peek at the largest wind farm in the southern hemisphere. I don't know what it is about those huge modern windmills but I find them mesmerizing. Like gentle quiet giants on the hill side protecting us all from a lack of electricity. Anyway, we didn't drive all the way up to them so we didn't get the chance to see if we could see both coasts and the south island all at the same time. No worries though. I have actually seen all three and I don't need to be greedy about seeing them all at once.

I finally got to drive today which I have to say was a lot of fun. I like driving on the left. Its just like driving on the right only on the other side. (Deep huh?)

Once we got into Wellington and got all checked in at our local YHA hostel, we took a stroll through town to the cable cars. They have these beautiful red cable cars that take you up the side of a mountain and at the top is the most amazing view of the city and the bay. Also at the top is the Wellington Botanical Garden which is ginormous and spectacular with all these regular paved trails and then lots of little side trails to wander through the bush. If I lived here, I would go there as often as I could. Especially since it was free. Can you believe that? These stunning gardens and forest and streams and ponds and roses and all sorts of things and all with a magnificent view and they don't charge you one cent to walk through it all. It is exactly as it should be!

Since everything around here closes early (shops all close at 5), Susan and I decided to catch the new Harry Potter flick at the local cineplex. First of all, let me tell you that when you buy a ticket, they assign you a seat - just like if you were buying a ticket for a play or a concert. I, for one, think that is a fantastic idea. If you spend as much money as it costs to go to the movies now, you ought to be assured of a good seat and that you and your friends can all sit together. Or if you are going to have a crappy front row seat and none of you will even be in the same row, you should at least know it up front before you spend the money. I am going to lobby the local theaters to switch to this system. Once you get in, the seats are comfortable and plush and the theater is a lot more like a play house instead of a cineplex and the screen is gigantic. The movie was good although having not seen most of the preceding movies, I had very little idea what was going on a good deal of the time.

So that was our day in a rather humongous nut shell. Tomorrow is our last real day in New Zealand as Sunday is a really all travel. I am sad to see the trip come to an end but I have to say, I am a little glad to be going home.

Things I miss about home in no particular order (and this is by no means an inclusive list):

my bed, proper ketchup, chatting with Holly, diet coke, my cats, my car

Things I will miss about NZ:

the scenery, the accents (absolutely everyone is cuter with a british/kiwi accent), zorbing, thermal pools, waterfalls, steak and cheese pies, driving on the left, how environmentally friendly the whole country is, getting to Friday a day earlier

I really love it here. I think it would be easier to move the things I miss from home here rather than the other way round.

Tomorrow, I plan on getting a tatoo to commemorate the trip. I can't tell you what it will be yet as I don't quite know myself yet. I will keep you posted.

Have a great Friday!

Zorbing!

Originally posted 7.12.07

How do I begin? Zorbing was fantastic!!!!! So for those of you who don't know what it is, Zorbing involves climbing into a great big plastic sphere and rolling down a hill. You can do it harnessed in or you can do what they call Hydro Zorbing (also known as the wash cycle) where you just climb in and they throw a little bit of water in with you and you slosh your way down the hill like that! You also have the choice of going straight down the hill or taking a zig zag course. I of course did the Hydro Zorb on the zig zag track for the maximum experience.

I can not describe to you how much fun this is! You can't see out of the ball at all because it is sort of an opaque plastic. And the track itself is really just a trench between two dirt mounds. So it feels a little like you might be lost forever rolling around the world in a giant bubble. There is something so comforting and protective about a giant plastic bubble which makes you not really care. And then you are sloshing all over the inside of this huge sphere as you tumble your way down the hill. I would have done it over and over and over again if I had had the time and the money (NZ$45 a ride). Actually, I am trying to figure out where to get the start up capital to start a Zorbing operation in Phoenix. I think it would go over huge! Meanwhile, I got great photos to show off as they take several for you and burn them to a disk.

We did some more beautiful hiking at the foot of a couple snow covered volcanoes and saw some amazing water falls. They really don't seem to have a shortage of water here and it is all of it breathtaking. They also have a wide range of wildlife. So far on this trip, in addition to the sheep and cows and horses we expected to see, we have seen ponys, deer, llamas, ostriches, emus, peacocks, black swans, pukekos (a native bird), kiwis, an assortment of odd looking chickens and ducks, rabbits, a possum, and of course cats and dogs galore. I believe I missed some on that list but I will think of them later.

We made our way to Whanganui last night through a rather dodgy bit of road that had several wash outs and one lane bridges and ridiculous question mark shaped curves. There was actually a sign that had a picture that looked like a snake (they are very pictoraly accurate on their signs) and a tag underneath that said next 61k (kilometers). To top it all off it was dark and rainy! And for those of you who know me and what an excellent passenger I am especially on curvy mountainous roads, let me add that Susan was driving. I was really glad to stop for the night at a little hostel here housed in a Victorian era home.

Today we are headed back down to Wellington as it is already Friday here and our trip will be ending far too shortly. We are going to travel via a town called Palmerston North where the largest wind farm in the Southern hemisphere exists and where they say, on a good day, you can see both coasts and the South Island all at the same time. Here is hoping for a clear day!

A busy day

Originally posted 7.11.07

Today was my favorite day so far! We started the day at the Rotorua musuem which goes over the history of the thermal pools here and why they have been such a draw for so many people since the early 1800s. We had a lovely guide named Murray who was in his mid 70s at least and walked with a cane. He was fantastically chatty and knowledgable and as Susan and I were the only ones on that particular tour it felt very private and VIP.

Next on to the Maori cultural center here Te Puai which was a bit pricey but well worth it. In addition to seeing several real active geysers right up close and personal, we got to see a Kiwi (an endangered nocturnal bird and so hard to catch a glimpse of) and a Maori concert. The Maori language is beautiful and the concert was amazing! Though I find the Maori people (and the men especially) to be beautiful and friendly, it is easy to see how they could have intimidated enemies with their haka (or war song).

We wrapped up the day with a long soak in several of the thermal spas at the Polynesian Spa (one of the top 10 in the world) and now, fully relaxed, I am ready to hit the sack. Tomorrow morning - Zorbing!

Cheers!

Keeping our head above water

Originally posted 7.10.07

We had rain this morning and heavy winds. In fact, much of the country north of Auckland (where we were this morning) is under several meters of water. Looks like we hit the road south just in time.

Today we took a stroll down a haiku path, visited Kiwi 360 (which on a less rainy day would have meant a ride around a Kiwi farm on a Kiwi cart) and did a little shopping at a Honey boutique. They actually have boutiques for their honey around here - they are very serious about it. Arrived at Rotorua this evening and though are first choice hostel was booked solid, we did find another hostel right around the corner that is very modern and new and willing to accomodate us. It ain't the Hilton to be sure but we do have our very own bathroom which is a first for our hostel stays.

The air smells like sulfur here which they say you get used to fast. Tomorrow we are set to hike around some geothermal areas (think geysers and bubbling pools of mud) and then spend the evening soaking at the Polynesian Pools Thermal Bath House - 35 geo thermally heated pools to choose from. Sounds so very warm and delightful! Then then the next day (which will be Thursday here but probably Wednesday there), I get to go Zorbing. Can't wait!

Some odd bits from the road - we stopped at a rest stop today and a rooster popped by for some bread crumbs. We finally got our radio fixed (we had some issues - mainly because we didn't put the antennae up) and found that the music here is largely stuck in the 80s. Also, for dinner tonight, I had something called Bubbles & Squeak. Turned out to be roast and potatoes with cheese and gravy over it and it was fantastic. Odd name though.

Will be here at the hostel for another night which means easy internet access through tomorrow. More tomorrow! Cheers!

A quick note from Auckland

Originally posted 7.9.07

Hello all! Just a quick note from the road!

On our second night in Auckland and we are staying in the height of luxury. We splurged a little (okay a lot) and decided to spend our two nights in the city at the Hilton Auckland which is built right out on a pier in the harbor. Fantastic and so worth the money even without the view as a nice bed and a warm bath are luxuries we have not had til now on this trip.

Tomorrow we had back south to Rotoura (the Maori culture capital) and the thermal spas. One of the spa bath houses has 35 thermal pools, each with its own mineral quality. Can you say Spa Day!

Catch at the next youth hostel (which is where we will be staying from here on out after breaking the bank at the Hilton)!

Wintertime and the living is breezy

Originally posted 7.7.07

Okay, more windy than breezy! And chilly, definitely chilly. But absolutely beautiful here in NZ. Let me catch you up!

We stayed the first night in Wellington at a huge youth hostel in the city centre as they call it. Accomodations were basic but amicable and we were so tired we probably would have slept in the street so the YHA in Wellington more than fit our requirements.

Next morning we got on the road after a bit of help from a Kiwi gent as the battery died in our rental car (guess you can't leave the lights on over here either).

Yesterday was mostly driving - beautiful countryside. We saw lots of sheep and cows, took some great pictures of the coast, and even did some shopping at a local honey shop.

Speaking of shopping, shit is cheap here. No really. We saw a sign on the side of the road advertising 'Pony Poo $1'. I'd say that was a pretty good bargain for Pony Poo if I happened to be in the market.

Stayed last night in New Plymouth at a 'luxury' hotel which was well worth it as one of the few luxuries actually offered was a heated bed pad. So cozy!

This morning we went tramping on Mt. Taranaki (a local volcano that is so high it's top is covered in snow. It was really like hiking through a fairy forest with everything moss covered and the vegetation lush and dense and green. The last hike of the day took us down to the base of this amazing waterfall. Breathtaking!

Back in New Plymouth tonight before heading north tomorrow. We are staying at yet another youth hostel and that reminds me that I need to wrap this up as my internet time is ticking away and I am almost out of $2 coins. Besides, I have to get to bed early if I want to make the eel feeding in the morning.

More later, hope you have a great lucky 07/07/07!

Fly Quantas

Originally posted 7.4.07

Seriously, you should fly Quantas. Right now, and every chance you get! I got a little goody bag with beauty sleep shades, socks, and a tooth brush with the smallest tube of toothpaste ever made. I got free movies, tv on demand, and video games. I got a real pillow and a lovely blanket and a remote control to turn the overhead light on and off and to control my very own tv screen. I got penne pasta and carrot ramoulade (sp?) and raisin flan. I didn't get the hot towel because I slept through it but I did get a lovely breakfast. Really the best airline in the whole entire world - I am convinced. My 12 hour flight to NZ really went by like nothing. And that is saying a lot.

So here we are - in the land of Kiwis and sheep. And it is beautiful - I can't even tell you! I am so at home here! I could very easily see myself living here. Today has been mostly about just trying to stay awake so we haven't had a real opportunity to immerse ourselves in fun yet but I have had one of the best cups of hot chocolate in my entire life in the Aukland airport and I have had an opportunity to make a few observations which I will share:

*all the trash cans in the Aukland airport have a warning saying 'No Spitting' - I find this odd. And in a bizarre sort of pavlovian way, it makes me want to spit in one.

*we went to a grocery store in Wellington today and they keep their eggs on the shelf. ON THE SHELF. Maybe they have some sort of super power eggs here or something but that, I have to say, freaks me out more than just a little.

* I found a new favorite food. It is called a savory (and it really is). Like a little bitty pot pie with mince meet or eggs (hopefully previously refrigerated) or steak and cheese. So good!

*when you are driving on the left side of the road, the pedals are in the same place but your turn signals are on the opposite side. Simultaneously, I observed that turning on your windshield wipers does not help anyone determine which direction you are planning to go.

That is all for now! There will be many more tales to come so check back later. For now, as they say over here, no worries mate!

Produce and Bowling and Citizens, Oh My!

Originally posted 6.26.07

Just thought I would share some random miscellaneous stuff that I have been up to lately. Nothing earth shattering. Just some fodder for the fans.

First, I am proud to say that I am now actively supporting local agriculture by participating in what is called a CSA program or Community Supported Agriculture. Basically, I pay a local farmer $18 a week to bring produce to a pick up point every Tuesday. I don't get to pick what I am going to get but that makes it more fun - a little like Christmas. Every Tuesday morning I anxiously await the email telling me what my share of the crop will be. Today I picked up 4 ears of corn, 4 tomatoes, 2 red onions, 15 red potatoes, 3 squash/zucchini, 1 bunch of carrots, 1 cucumber and a bag of wheat berries (which are supposed to be unprocessed wheat and can be eaten like rice). Not bad for a week's haul right? And the best part is Farmer Frank uses sustainable farming methods to work land right here in Phoenix. So the food is better for the environment and better for me and I am helping to support American farmers and the local economy. I am loving it!

And speaking of supporting Americans. (not a smooth shift but it is a manageable leap) My friend and coworker Nandini just recently became a US citizen. I had the privilege to attend her swearing in ceremony and let me tell you - it moved me more than I expected. The pomp and circumstance was a tiny bit cheesy - President Bush giving a little pretaped video speech, video taped fireworks with Lee Greenwood's 'Proud to be an American' playing in the background. But seeing a room full of people who were so excited to be called an American Citizen made me proud to be one too. I don't always agree with our politics but I love my country. It was nice to be reminded and a little ironic that it took a room full of people born everywhere but here to remind me.

What I am also proud to be a part of is my very own bowling team. They made me captain. I think mostly because it sounded like a lot of work but in my mind, I like to believe it is because the other two people on my team, Bruce and Randy, recognized immediately my leadership genius. We had never met before we became a team but we bonded quickly in our awfulness and are, by far, the absolute most exuberant team on the league. For the first few series, every time one of us would get a strike we would huddle and jump up and down like we had just heard Bob Barker call our name and tell us to come on down. We have a ridiculous handicap (team handicap is 276 - 106 of which belongs to me) and we are having a pretty good night to break a hundred. But we have a blast! And we are steadily improving. Last week I bowled a 139 and a 144 (before the handicap). Thanks to our lovely handicap, that moves us into 5th place for the league. The best part about it is they award prizes by gender and since it is myself, 3 or 4 other girls and then a whole lot of gay men, I am practically assured a prize. I like to win.

I also feel compelled to mention that I tried Indian food tonight with my good friend Nanci and my new friend (her brother) Dennis. I was a bit nervous going in as I have a delicate palatte and really, I'm not an entirely adventurous eater. But I have to say I loved it. I got good recommendations from my friend Nandini (New Citizen) and ate so much Chicken Tandori and Indian bread and some rice and vegetable thing and some creamy yogurt based thing with cheese and vegetables in it and creamed spinach. I think I may never be hungry again.

That should keep the gossip columnists busy for a while. Not that anyone is gossiping about me. And not that I could control what they gossip about even if they are.

28 days

Originally posted 6.6.07

Lilo is in rehab. Paris is in prison. And I have to go to work. And we should all be getting our freedom in roughly 28 days. Well, slightly less than that for Paris assuming she behaves herself. And really 28 days is a guess for Lilo. It isn't liked she called and scheduled a 'first night out of rehab' drinking binge with me or anything. But I think rehab is 28 days. That's what it was for Sandra Bullock in that movie – 28 days.

Anyway, back to [or initially to] the point. In just 28 - 24 hour time spans from now, I will be winging my way across the Atlantic to the balmy mid winter weather on a little island called New Zealand.

Vacations are nice. Vacations are lovely. Vacations are beach chairs and hotel rooms and pictures of people with vague scenery behind them. This is more than a vacation. This is freedom.

Work has become my prison. It is my fault. I let it happen. I let the demand for my time and my services and my skills become so all consuming that it appears people can no longer get through a day without calling me. For those of you who don't know me well, that may sound arrogant. I assure you it is not. I have no extraordinary super powers nor am I privy to rare and elusive information not available to the general population. It is just seems that somehow, people have decided that I hold the answers. All of them. And that I am the only one who does.

If you work with me, please don't be offended. I understand that it is easier to call me in almost every case because I can point you in the right direction faster which saves every one time and hassle. I enjoy doing that for all of you. I really do. It is just that there are so many of you and only one of me and (and this is the real kicker) it isn't the only thing I do. If I am Wonder Woman, someone tell me where I parked the invisible jet because I sure don't remember how I got here.

New Zealand is a breath of fresh air, literally and figuratively. I am jumping on a plane and off the hamster wheel. I will focus for hours on mountain trails and Maori rituals instead of file clean up and daily reports. I will get up early for sunrises on the coast and stay up late for wine and dinner with new friends. I will drive on the left side of the road and take long lunches at local cafes. I will wonder what time (and day) it is only because it will be amusing to see if I can figure it out (what with the whole crossing the international date line thing). No work email. No cell phone calls. No work. For nearly two whole weeks – no work. Relaxing will become my work and I intend to be a workaholic.

So the next 28 days will feel like a rehabilitation of sorts. Learning to give away my responsibilities. Learning to let go of pet projects and just not worry about whether someone else is going to mess it up. And teaching others not to rely so heavily on the fact that I will pick up the phone at 7:00 at night and yes I will still be in the office and can bring them a key because they forgot theirs and can't lock up. At the end of the next 28 days of 'work rehab', I will have shed all my work and be able to step on a plane without the world on my shoulders (which is good because I'm pretty sure they wouldn't let me carry it on even if I could get it through security).

So rehab, and then a pilgramage. To find myself again. And when I come back – a new me or at least some reappearance of a former youthful and exuberant me. And as for work, we will see….we will just see. Maybe I will be cured and won't have to return to rehab ever again.

when did I get here

Originally posted 5.22.07

Here is what I don't understand. A few days ago, a week tops, I was in my 20s. And everyone I knew was in their 20s. And we were all just rolling along living our merry little 20 something lives.

And then, here it is, a week later and I am half way through my 30s. And honestly, I don't mind it. I really don't. I like the older version of myself - more grounded, more even keeled, less drama. But here is the part that I don't understand and that frankly, gets under this slightly wrinkled skin every now and then when I let it - how is that everyone I know is still in their 20s.

Okay, not everyone, I know a few people who are early 30s. But it seems like every time I meet someone, I am shaking their hand and thinking, okay, this person is probably about my age. And then age comes up at some point and they turn out to be 22. Which, my little ocd brain calculates, is 13 years younger than me. 13. Thirteen.

It is like everyone I could have baby sat grew up and every one I went to high school with dropped off the face of the earth. Somehow, I have become an island between 25 and 55.

I hope I didn't offend anyone. It was just an observation.

Kiwi Horizon

Originally posted 5.17.07

I bought my ticket for New Zealand today. It is official. 10 full days in the land of kiwis and Lord of the Rings scenery.

The promise of this trip is the light at the end of the tunnel for me. Work has become an agressive cancer that is eating a way at my life - my time, my sanity, my health - and I feel powerless to stop it. Tuesday night I worked until 3 am. Last night until 11 pm. Tonight it was all I could do to drag myself in from the car. No work tonight. But that means more work tomorrow and work this weeekend.

That is okay. I can survive that. Because I know in something like 6 weeks from now I will be hopping on a plane to the other side of the world. When I land, everything will be different. I leave on Tuesday but lose a day (my toll to the International Date Line) and so will land on Thursday and never see Wednesday that week. A little sad - I like Wednesday's and this one will actually be July 4th but, its an acceptable sacrifice. In flight, I will also be crossing another imaginary and yet powerful line, the Equator. Meaning that I will leave a 115 degree Phoenix summer and land in 48 degree NZ winter. See - different! Landscape, people, sights, foods. All different.

10 days of driving around with my sister, exploring the country, hiking, eating, taking pictures. I am a little disappointed that our visit falls during their winter which means some of the activities (see scuba diving and surfing) may not be options. But I am pleased to think this will mean less crowds (you all know how I feel about crowds) and more creative and original ways to see the country. I will need to buy a sweater or two. And a jacket. Anybody got any gloves I can borrow?

I view this as my own personal life refresher. Something of a pilgramage to find myself again. A chance to slow down and listen to what my body, my slightly off balance brain, and my God have been trying to tell me for some time.

I hope to come back fresher. More revived. I hope to come back something like a freshly laundered sheet - smooth, clean, fresh, and smelling nicely.

Oh, and tatooed. To mark the occassion, I believe I will be getting another tatoo. Thanks Holly for the suggestion!

36 hours in Mexico

Originally posted 5.7.07

My head is pounding. Work pressure. Life pressure. Pressure pressure. pressure. hmmm, that is an odd word. pressure. pressure. it becomes almost onomatopoeic.

Have started to slip mentally. Little things. Can't find my keys because I am holding them in my hand. Go to put more diet coke in my cup and get ice instead. Forgot my phone number. Can't remember what day of the week it is, look at a calendar, still can't place it.

My body is slipping too. Feels like gravity working overtime. Shoulders slowly trying to touch my toes without bending over. Head must weigh at least 25 pounds.

36 hours in Mexico becomes the cure all. I need more, really, for a complete cure. But a little radiation at leasts slows the cancer.

Wake up to the sound of the salt water slapping the sand. Step out onto the balcony, early morning, solitude. A run down the beach. a slow barefoot walk back home. Breakfast with homemade tortillas and huevos and friends. Dear friends! And then a whole day of just sitting. Just being. Letting the pressure melt off me into the sand and wash away. Around the table on the patio. Battling the surf in a lawn chair with a drink in my hand and a friend on each side. Writing my name in the sand with Holly. Badmitton tournaments. sunsets. sunrises. sun shines. and come Sunday, say good bye.

pictures. mental pictures. memories that run together with the years past and the years to come. 36 hours in Mexico. 36 hours of bliss.

sits at the end of the week like a tall glass of water on a table just out of my reach. but i am oh so thirsty and if I just stretch....if I can just wrap my self around 36 hours in Mexico and drink it all in.

all decked out

Originally posted 10.31.06

I bought a skateboard (a deck to those in the know)(not to imply that I am in the know). I realize it is a little late in life to take it up but I never got to try it when I was younger and I am intrigued. Besides, it might help me surf and snowboard better (not to imply that I have any skills in those areas - although I have been surfing - just not skillfully)

Love to tell you that I am a natural, grace on ball bearings. But it would be a little farther from the truth than say North Korea is from giving up all their nuclear war heads and just having a nice game of cards with us.

Almost killed myself twice. Although I really don't think you are supposed to skate on super smooth surfaces like the wood floor in my living room. I think traction helps. And balance, definitely balance. Some skills would be useful as well.

Anyone know a 13 year old kid who could teach me?

life is a celebration

Originally posted 10.20.06

I went out and celebrated with my friend Ana Patricia this evening. It didn't start out as a celebration. It started out as just a dinner with old friends. But it turned into a celebration because there was a candle on our table.

That logic may seem strange to you, as it would have to me earlier this evening. I have since been enlightened however by my good friend Ana. You see just about three weeks ago, Ana Patricia had a birthday (which was only her third one ever and so still very exciting). The week after that her uncle had a birthday and then last week, her mother. At everyone of the many celebrations for those three closely spaced birthdays, they had cake and the cake had candles. And they sang. Now for Ana Patricia this translates into a very simple formula. cake = birthday and celebration with singing. Also, candle = birthday and celebration with singing.

So imagine her delight when we were seated at a table with a candle!

Before she even sat down, she made her mother hold the candle so that she could blow it out. And then she sang the birthday song to herself, by herself. And so she could really relish the moment and because both English and Spanish seem natural to her, she sang both the english birthday song and the spanish birthday song (which is not the english version translated but an entirely different, somewhat longer song).

And we all clapped! And then a little bit later, we repeated the process again only this time we sang with her and she waited to blow out the candle until we were all done singing. Just like it was on a cake.

A little while later, her parents and I had gotten a bit boring what with our conversation and eating and all. Plus, she really wanted to dance but only if Mom would dance with her. And while Ana Patricia, at 3, finds it perfectly acceptable to stand up in the middle of a restaurant and dance when the music makes you feel like it, her mother finds it a little less so. So while we all agreed that she could dance if she wanted to, none of us were jumping out of our seats to join her. BORING!

So, she asked her father to light the candle again and she had another little celebration all by herself (complete with the singing of both songs) and blew out the candle.

Three birthdays for her just in one little dinner.

That's what I love about 3 year olds. They really know how to celebrate.

Gracias a Ana Patricia para el celebracion! I am grateful that she reminded me to celebrate the little things in life that make us happy!

inspiration and internal struggle

Originally posted 10.18.06

Today I felt split right down the middle. For most of the day, I was struggling with myself over something that I think will be pretty important in my life. I'm not going to go into the details here because its my personal struggle and if I put it out here it wouldn't be internal anymore, would it? I will tell you it was a question that rooted all the way down to the core of who I am, to the core of the person I want to be. It was physically painful for me and for the better part of the day it felt like I had say, a rather large pig, parked right on my rib cage. And he was wearing combat boots and stomping around mercilessly.

And then I read this statement:

"This is about your life and what it would look like if you went nuts with your own personal courage."

It was in a Phoenix New Times article about a local yoga studio owner who, at 37, is breaking all the rules just by being alive. She has cystic fibrosis and was told when she was 7 that she might not live past the age 11. I'd say she knows a thing or two about going nuts with her own personal courage.

The statement just sought me out. I don't think it was meant to be a sound byte or a stand alone. It was just part of a paragraph like dozens of other sentences. But let me tell you, that pig had to do some pretty fancy footwork to avoid the ton of bricks that that sentence hurled at me.

"This is about your life and what it would look like if you went nuts with your own personal courage."

Now internal struggle is suddenly floating around in a great big sea of inspiration. Not gone, not lost, but buoyed. Definitely buoyed.

What would my life look like if I went nuts with my own personal courage? If I told my id and ego to stand up straight and ball up their fists and take a running leap right into the deep end of life? Would I just get water up my nose and come up sputtering for air and begging for a life preserver? Or would I find the lost city of Atlantis? Or maybe just salvage my wrecked ship of dreams?

What would your life look like if you went nuts with your own personal courage?

3 Years and 300 Million people later

Originally posted 10.17.06

Monday (yesterday) was the three year anniversary of the day I bought my first house. Okay, you say condo, I say house. It is still mine any way you look at it. Well, mine and the bank's.

It's a good home and I like it here. The very first night I had the keys, I ate Chinese food and slept on the living room floor. The entire place was painted peach except for the 2nd bedroom which was a lovely and very deep and unnatural shade of turquoise. I embraced it's flaws (including the ghetto stove that had a handle held on with electrical tape) because they were my flaws to own and love and fix. (Although, there were a couple of weeks one January where I had to boycott the kitchen altogether because of a nasty garbage disposal incident.)

It has changed a lot since that night and some days I find it dificult to leave here. I live alone again (at last!) except for my two cats - which pretty much puts me about two thirds of the way down the path to becoming that old lady with cats you hear so much about. Sometimes, it is all I can do to force myself out of this nest of solitude.

Today, our national population reached a milestone as well - one much more important and crowded than my little 3 year anniversary. Early this morning (7:46 am by the calculations) the number of people in the United States exceeded the 300 million mark. Though they really can't say exactly who was the 300 millionth customer, calculations also conclude that it was probably a male, probably born somewhere in the Southwest, and believe it or not, probably in Phoenix. Which makes me wonder three things:

1. Did someone think to factor in how many people die every day? Because I had heard that they were basing the time on the fact that a baby is born every 14 minutes or something like that. But if say, someone dies every 7 minutes, wouldn't you need to factor that in? I'm sure they did. Whoever sat around figuring out the exact time obviously had lots of time on their hands and so would have had time to consider all the factors.

2. Roughly how many McDonald's hamburgers does that figure out to per person? Just on average - ignoring the fact that newborns and vegetarians and some really healthy people have never carried their wait in this area. I was just curious.

3. Finally, with the population of the world in general growing to ridiculous proportions, shouldn't we be reworking the phrase "one in a million"? Strictly where it is used as a compliment, you understand. Because now, saying that you are one in a million really just means that there are at least 299 other people exactly like you just in the US alone. It loses a little something doesn't it?

I will leave you with that. Which will probably also leave you wishing that I had left you a little earlier.

p.s. 7:46 am in what time zone do you suppose?

cast away under a harvest moon

Originally posted 10.6.06

Its a full moon tonight. A harvest moon. Fuller and brighter than any average moon. Its stunning, bursting at the seams with bounty and hope. And it makes me feel the same way.

Do you know how sometimes you read something or you watch something at a certain point in your life and you see it a certain way? And then later, when you are in a different time and place in your life, you see it again and find a whole different meaning there? Life colors perception. But its so easy to forget in the moment, what color your glasses are.

I watched Cast Away for the first time a couple of years ago. It was a low point in my life. For various reasons and sometimes for no reason whatsoever, I was just sad. Lost and alone on an island without hope of rescue was a place I identified with strongly. I remember crying and wondering if anyone had ever before made a movie that so deeply reflected what I was feeling. All I saw was the sadness, the fear, the desolation because those were glasses I was wearing at the time.

Tonight, I watched it again. This time, under this brilliant harvest moon, I see the hope and the courage and the strength in him. I wonder how I missed it before as it seems so blatant now. I see how it was love that found him, love that saved him. Even when he didn't see it there.

Tonight, the moon is in my eyes.

Knock em Dead, Teacher

Originally posted 10.5.06

They want to arm the teachers now. Because the answer to guns is always more guns it seems.

I don't know what the answer is to keeping our schools safe. They have always been a battleground of raging hormones and lunch money taxers. Now they have become a holding room for hapless victims.

But I can't picture a gun in the hand of the math teachers or the english teachers or the science teachers of this nation and see a solution in it. It just doesn't work for me.

We want the kids to be safe. So surround them with weapons. We want teachers to be safe. So we teach them to mold the future with a gun in their hands.

Let's go back to the old school security - moats and fortress walls with guarded gates and maybe even a gargoyle or too. Let's start focusing on teaching our kids not too hate each other. Teaching them that words are gifts when used wisely but can be deadly weapons and should always be used responsibly, thoughtfully.

Let's try anything and everything before we turn to guns to solve the problem. Isn't that what we are asking of them?

Fity Things (Like Fifty Things but Cooler)

Originally posted 10.3.06

I was reading a fellow blogger today and feeling a little, well, envious of their talent and somewhat disgruntled with my own recent efforts. I was perfectly relaxed and natural when I thought no one was reading. But now, one subscriber and the pressure is on. My work is self indulgent, overly effusive, and a little forced. And the worst part is, I know it. It is one of those moments when you know everything you are doing is just making it worse but you don't want to give up and you don't know what to try next.

So here is what I am trying next. A list. It's simple. It has the potential to be interesting. And the best part, its implied brevity limits my effusiveness. Following the lead of a blog queen, here are fifty things you might not know about me by just staring at my ugly mug:

1. I am adopted.

2. Whenever I go to a movie, just before it starts, I forget what movie I am there to see. Without fail.

3. I like plain cheeseburgers (nothing but cheese and meat) but I don't order them that way. I like to get them and then wipe off the ketchup and mustard so there is just a hint of it on the bun and then eat it. I know its weird.

4. I can say "I am a flower child" in Japanese.

5. When I was in college, I paid the bills by doing singing telegrams dressed like a clown (or on occassion, a rabbit or a chicken).

6. If you get stuck talking to me in the parking lot after any evening out, I will probably keep you there for hours.

7. I can't guess distances to save my life. I also can't guess how many people are in a room - 15 and 50 look exactly the same to me.

8. I am extremely handy around the house. I can install a garbage disposal, change an outlet, even put on a roof.

9. I love to quilt but I hate to admit it too often because it makes me sound like I'm ninety. Or boring.

10. Sometimes I solve algebra equations when I feel I need order and structure in my life. Math almost always calms me down.

11. I can usually only remember all the words to a song when I am singing with the radio.

12. I love chairs! I really do. They are little pieces of functional, portable architecture and I find them all beautiful.

13. I like to sign up for classes but I rarely enjoy actually taking them. They lose something between the saying and the doing.

14. I am extremely attractive to alcoholics. (I guess you would know this by looking at me if you are an alcoholic)

15. Whenever possible, I prefer to be barefoot.

16. For my 30th birthday, I went rock climbing.

17. For my 31st birthday, I went sky diving.

18. I am a published poet.

19. I can hang up to 5 spoons off my face. Seriously.

20. When I moved to Phoenix, I wasn't working and used my days to take a tour of this city's libraries. I have been to more than 12 libraries in Phoenix alone.

21. I once agressively out bid someone for a bust of Beethoven. I paid $25 for it and it was worth every penny.

22. At Denny's, my favorite meal is two grilled cheese sandwiches (without tomato) and a side of hash browns. And a Diet Coke.

23. I once slept through a house fire but the power going out always wakes me up.

24. I can only snap with my left hand although I am severely right handed.

25. No green plant can ever depend on me for consistent life support. I have only ever kept one plant alive and I think my coworkers water it behind my back.

26. I didn't drink until I was 24 and I can count on my fingers the number of times I have been rip roaring drunk.

27. I once started a fight in a bar when I was drunk.

28. I have not mailed Christmas cards in probably 12 years but I do buy and address them every year.

29. When I started college, I was a theater major even though I actually wanted to learn 8 languages and be an interpreter. I graduated with a degree in Elementary Education although I have never been a teacher.

30. If I could start all over again, I would have really liked to have been an architect and furniture designer.

31. I have always wanted to live in London and am always on the look out for the opportunity to do so.

32. I enjoy moving. Change is refreshing and I find comfort in the fact that my life will fit neatly in boxes.

33. I really want to learn how to skateboard.

34. My friend Jamie was the first boy to make me feel truly beautiful and unfortunately, also one of the last.

35. I haven't spent more than $50 for any non-upholstered piece of furniture I own.

36. Dean Martin will always be great music to cook to in my book!

37. I tested out of college Calculus when I was a senior in high school.

38. The only kind of sushi I like is eel terriyaki.

39. I was the lead singer in a rock band in college (but who wasn't).

40. I never have hand lotion or chapstick when I need them.

41. When I chew gum, I always have to have at least two pieces. I prefer 3 or 4.

42. For the first 12 years of this century, annually there will fall a day that is the same number repeating - for example, 06/06/06. Lots of people celebrated it this year but I have celebrated every year starting with 01/01/01.

43. I played on an intramural basketball team in high school with my fellow students from the Honors class. We called ourselves "The Sound and The Fury" after the book by the same title and we tie dyed our own team shirts. We were awful but we had the most fun of any team on the league. In one game, our score was still in single digits when the other team reached triple digits. They actually started passing us the ball because they were ashamed to win by that much.

44. I have had 12 teeth pulled in my lifetime - 4 baby teeth and 8 permanent teeth.

45. It took me almost 10 years to graduate from college because of one course. I didn't like the only professor who taught it so I had to wait until she went on sebatical to retake it and graduate.

46. I told my parents I graduated from college 4 years before I actually did.

47. I once got an A on a paper I never handed in.

48. For most of my high school years, my favorite hang outs were the music store and the bookstore, both of which were at the mall.

49. I have hiked up a waterfall in Jamaica.

50. I don't like to brag but, I am an amazing kisser.

Finished at last. If you are still with me, and I don't blame you if you aren't, that was a lot more difficult than I hope I made it look. You try it if you don't believe me. Actually, try it even if you do. I had forgotten a lot of fun things about myself and maybe you have too.

(on the original post, Holly made a couple of comments that are just too good to lose. I reposted them here as well)

14 cracked me up
26 i was there for a couple of those

Posted by Holly on Thursday, October 05, 2006 - 5:13 PM

51. you only like to make right turns- not left

52. if you were in a pagent and needed a talent it would be packing a trunk- you are really good at that

53. you like to stop for a snack. just a snack, not a meal

54. you like to paint- so much in fact that you once took days off of work to help a teacher paint a classroom so it would be awesome when the students showed up

55. you can always make your friend Holly smile

56. you go on a trip to Mexico every year with the most awesome people on the planet

57. you and your car do not like to wait on security gates

Posted by Holly on Wednesday, October 11, 2006 - 1:10 PM

Raise High the Roofbeam, Carpenters

Originally posted 9.30.06

Raise High the Roofbeam Carpenters is one of my all time favorite Salinger stories. And I love the title. It is strong and hopeful. And I thought of it today as I was out roofing.

Seriously, I was roofing today. I worked at home build for Habitat for Humanity today in a suburb in south Phoenix. The entire subdivision was built by Habitat and it is something to see. The houses aren't huge (at least by Phoenix standards), maybe 1500 - 1800 sq feet, 2 bedroom, 2 full bath. There are 2 - 3 styles of home - your typical suburb layout and look. The finished houses are lovely and well tended with tidy yards and personal landscapes. There is a park with a playground in the center of the subdivision and every house has a park bench on the front porch (donated by the mayor to encourage community watch).

There were probaby 8 builds going on today in various stages of construction. Two doors down from the house I was working on, they were still framing the walls onto the foundation. The house directly to the west of us was drywalling the interior. And at the house just east of our build site, they were raising high the roof beams. It is truly something to see to watch a handful of people (there were probably 7 on the ground and 3-4 more on the roof) raise a roof. The people on the ground have to pick up one of the huge trusses and carry it over to one side of the house. When the guys on the roof are ready, everybody lifts the truss and sets it on top of the house. Short people just duck out the way at this point but a few of the taller ones hold up the end that isn't resting on the house while the people on the roof attempt to pull the truss all the way up. There are a couple of people on the ground trying to push as well with some 2x4s nailed together into a primitive tool. Once it is all the way up, they raise it into an upright position and then hammer it in to the sides and beams of the house and join it to all the other trussess with cross beams. It is an impressive display of human strength and ingenuity and is probably as close as I will ever get to a good old fashioned barn raising.

At our site, our trusses were up (at least by the time I got there) and the big job of the day was to get the roof covered. Before you can put on your shingles and tar, you have to put down some OSB board - thats particle board to you and me. You get some people on the roof and then some people on the ground hand up big 4x8 sheets of board. Then (and this was my job), someone has to go along and nail those boards to the rafters. It was hot up there. I have splinters in my butt from scooting along the board to pound nails in every 12 inches down a truss line and every 6 inches down a seam. By noon, the roof was done. At least, it was ready for the next stage.

Now, I have done some roofing before believe it or not. In Mexico on a much more primitive scale. There were no trusses or particle board. Just some 2x4s with which we framed out rafters onto a 10x10 cinder block home that would hold a family of 7. The roof was sheets of corugated tin. But that job, as hard as it was, by no means qualifies me as a skilled roofer. The thing that amazes me the most is that most of us out there today weren't builders or contractors or construction workers. Most of us had to borrow hammers and work gloves and hard hats and be told how to work the skill saw. There were hundreds of people out there today working on 8 different homes and probably at least 80% of them do something M-F that is compeletly unrelated to construction. But here they all were, working hard in the heat on a Saturday morning, to build a home for people they may never even meet. They might have had other things to do this morning, but they didn't have better things to do.

So here I sit, with splinters in my ass and blisters on my fingers, a smashed thumb (I missed the nail - OUCH!) and a slightly sunburned nose. I'm tired and dirty and sweaty and I know I will be feeling it tomorrow. And I feel fantastic. Absolutely fantastic.

A little more grateful for my own roof and even more grateful that I was able to help give at least one more family in Phoenix a roof of their own.

Planes, Trains and Matchbox Cars

Originally posted 9.28.06

I'm planning a trip. In truth, I am always planning a trip. My mind wanders drunkenly, lustily through places I have never been but which just might feel like home if given the chance. Did I list travel as a hobby? It's something of a lie if i have. My feet don't leave this desert city's soil often enough to qualify myself as a traveler in the most accepted definition. But be that as it may, I am a traveler. A traveler in the truest sense. A traveler of words and feelings. A traveler of the heart and mind. A traveler unto myself.

Years ago, in the early years of my adult life, when I was still broke and already broken down, I thought I might die if I couldn't hit the road. The sound of tires on the endless highway and rushing air through open car windows was as strong as any siren's call must ever have been. And while I did rove the Indiana countryside many a night in my little Honda Civic, I rarely even passed county lines.

All this did little to sate my deep seated wander lust. But I was a full time student and a full time waitress and a full time maker of ends meet. So I learned to travel in a different way. I started buying matchbox cars (blue convertibles mostly) so that I always had the freedom of the road, or at least a symbol of it, in my pocket. And I planned trips. Trips to Iceland (a truly gorgeous looking country) and Idaho, Spain and Seattle. I love beaches and mountains, cities and countrysides, tourist favorites and spots known only to the locals and I planned to see it all. 4 weeks through Europe by eurorail (god I love trains!), surfing lessons in California, sailing lessons off the coast of the Carolinas, rock climbing in Arizona. All the places I had ever wanted to go to do all the things I have ever wanted to try.

I did do some of those things. Surfing lessons were a gift to myself for my birthday. Rock climbing is partly responsible for the fact that I now reside in Arizona. But so many trips are left untaken. And so many more are still unplanned. So many open roads still call out to me. So I am planning a trip, and maybe, just maybe, we will meet along the way and travel together for a spell.

(I also commented on this post - the only comment I might point out - see below)
Pedantic, effusive, self indulgent and bordering on the cliche. Skip it and don't buy the cliff notes.

Scorpio Moon

Originally posted 9.27.06

So today is (or yesterday was - I'm not sure) the last day of a Scorpio moon. Not that I am into the astrological all that much. But I met someone once, well an ex-someone actually, on the last day of a Scorpio moon and it always makes me nostalgic. Or maybe that is just nausea.

It has such a poetic sound to it though doesn't it - the end of a scorpio moon. I tried to write a song about it once but everything I came up with sounded so forced and unnatural. Which was actually kind of perfect since the relationship turned out the same way but I figured I was the only one who would really get the symbolism. Everyone else would have just thought it was a sucky song. Maybe someday...

Anyway, I just wanted to let you all know that you might have missed it. The end of a scorpio moon. Although, scorpio's are known for their passion and lust and moons are notoriously romantic so if you think about it, the end of a scorpio moon is the end of passion and romance. The phrase just keeps ringing true.

Finders Keepers

(Hi there,

Not that there is anyone reading this but just in case there is and you are wondering what is going on, I am going to repost several blog entries I originally made over on my myspace page. I don't know that I will keep that page since I never check it anymore. By reposting here, I can hold onto my archive without keeping the page. And those these are not literary genius by any stretch of the imagination, they have some significance to me for one reason or another.)

Originally posted 9.26.06

I have been searching tonight for old friends and lost "loves" and it makes me wonder if everyone lost should be found again. There are, I suspect, a couple of people who are not all that excited that I found them. Granted, they can refuse to add me as a friend, block me, generally send icky thoughts my way. But I suspect they might have been happier not having to deal with me at all. Now, it isn't all bad. I am reflecting not having a pity party. I have already found some old friends that were definitely psyched to hear from me and that I might not have reconnected with other wise.

Its a choice isn't it? Make your page too private, too secure and you might not hear from that one person you have been wondering about for ages - where are they, what have they been doing, will you ever see them again? And then all of the sudden one day they send you an add request and the gap is closed, questions are answered, some small circle of life is completed or at least circling back unto itself.

But by leaving the back door open, you never know what kind of wildlife will just wander into your kitchen. Maybe the person you convinced yourself and/or your significant other that you were over pops up with an inanely benign message and that ever powerful add request. And there you sit, cursor over the deny button, perhaps arguing with yourself (perhaps arguing with your significant other). And regardless of whether you are pleased or pissed, relieved or reagitated, you are something about that person that you never thought you'd have to be anything for again.

To all those whose loopholes I have found and exploited, my apologies. If you pull the bandaid off fast, the pain will at least be fleeting.