Humility v. Vanity: Balancing the Ego See Saw

Originally posted 11.4.07

I am not particularly good at balance - emotionally speaking.

When I was a little girl, I decided to give one of my dolls a haircut. My first attempt left her with about an inch more hair on the left side than on the right so I decided to trim her up. Then there was an extra inch on the right. One more time around left her too long on the left again. I kept trying to trim her hair until she looked like Annie Lennox and I couldn't cut any more without shaving her head. Not a great look for a doll.

Turns out, that was a pretty classic model for how I would work through things. I overcompensate in an effort to acheive balance and end up creating a bigger imbalance in the process.

Lately, I have been struggling with the idea of humility versus vanity. Or perhaps the better term is arrogance. I don't think you can label me a vain person. I am realistic about my looks (average but no stunning beauty) and I have the fashion sense of a fourth grader. I can honestly say that some mornings I have left the house without looking in a mirror - vanity isn't a big thing with me. But I can be arrogant. I don't mean to be and I certainly don't want to be. But I have lived alone for a long time now and so I spend a large portion of my time alone and this leads me to be pretty self involved. And sometimes, when my guard is down, that self involvement leads to arrogance.

Now on the flip side of that, I have a great deal of humility. (I realize the irony of that statement but I think you can say you have it and still have it.) I am keenly aware of my limited skills and usefulness in the grand scheme of things. I am also eternally humbled by how small I am in this great big old world and universe.

So my struggle is this, how do I find a balance between acknowledging that I am nobody special, one person just like every other person, and the need to feel significant, proud of my contributions and achievements?

In a nutshell, how do I say 'here I am' without saying 'look at me'?

The answer is just on the tip of my tongue I think, but I can't seem to formulate it. Like when someone asks you to do math in your head. You know you know the answer (or that you can figure it out) but you can't get out from under the pressure of the question to let your brain think it through.

Am I alone in this? Does everyone else already have a healthy sense of who they are in the world with an appropriately balanced sense of importance? Do these late night ramblings even make any sense?